Dog-Breath

Eric Christensen

Dr. Paula Terifaj gets a loving kiss from one of her bully patients.

Dear City Officials,

Please rid our city of pit bulls so I can feel safe again.  And oh, by the way…

Could you also keep drunk drivers off the streets, stop people from running red lights, and ticket all drivers that can’t remember we have speed limits? These irresponsible people put my life at risk everyday.

I would also feel a lot safer if gang bangers did not have guns and terrorists did not hate Americans. Let’s take away their guns, bombs and secret weapons. Just think how many thousands of innocent lives we could save!

And while we are making our neighborhoods safe again, could you please hunt down and lock up all the pedophiles, rapists and serial killers. Who needs these human predators lurking around?

But let’s take the easy route first, shall we. Round up all the pit bulls and kill them. After all they are just dogs, they can’t fight back. And there are no laws to stop breed discrimination — only people are protected against unfair acts of discrimination. Guilt by association is fine if we are talking about dogs. Innocent dogs will die, but so what. Our streets will be safer for all of us. And it’s pretty simple too. After you make dog ownership a crime, just let the police do all the dirty work. Any dog looking like the breed in question will be hauled off and jailed by animal control. Sentenced without a jury and caged on death row. Our neighborhoods will be safe again.

Don’t listen to any dog owner who cries about how the dog grew up with their three wonderful children and loves to sleep on their beds at night. Others will beg you to hear how special the dog is and recount heart warming stories while they prepare to call a moving van. And no doubt a few more protesters will adamantly defend their constitutional rights by re-stating the 9th and 14th amendments. This time government has gone too far. They say the bells of freedom have stopped ringing. These American freedom fanatics have joined an army of dog rebels called ROVERlution to defend their rights to keep their dogs!

But wait a minute — statistics don’t lie. If you read about my untimely tragic death odds are that I have been killed by a dangerous drunk driver at the wheel of a car. Or perhaps fatally wounded by the bullets of a madman, a carjacking or while visiting my ATM. Worse yet I was the murdered victim of a vicious human predator. Shame on you for not doing more to protect my life! But you need not feel guilty if you couldn’t rid our city of pit bulls. There is a 99.99% chance I was not killed by a mad dog. In fact, fatal dog attacks are rare. More people have been struck and killed by lightning.

Being the fortunate recipient of a sound and rational mind, I don’t let perceived fears make decisions for me. I am not entertained by Nancy Grace and her hysterical news reporting. And I certainly don’t get my facts straight by watching the 5 o’clock news. I do however have a healthy respect for the driver with road rage, lunatics with guns, and the criminally insane. So, to reduce the odds of me departing ahead of schedule, I have cut out unnecessary driving, I limit time spent in public places, and I make sure to keep all  doors locked with a dead-bolt. In fact, I feel safest behind bolted doors, curled up on the sofa reading The New Yorker with my dog pal who loves to snuggle.

And if you pride yourself on making informed decisions,  refuse to react to eager reporters who "sell the news", are able to think like a rational human being, and understand the fight against laws of injustice — then Rover and I would like to invite you over for tea. Just promise you won’t tell my devoted dog pal that her breed has been defamed, persecuted and abused by the human race. She has such fondness for these strange creatures — it would surely break her heart.